WELCOME TO JOKES 'n' STUFF

"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart."

Two boys are playing football in the park when one ov them is attacked by a rotweiler. Thinking quickly,his friend rips a plank ov wood from a fence,forces into the dogs collar and twists it,breaking the dogs neck.all the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over,introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next day.He writes,"Bolton Wanderer's Fan saves friend from vicious animal."The boy interrupts:"But I'm not a Bolton Fan." The reporter starts again:"Manchester United Fan rescues friend from horrific attack."The boy interrupts again:"I'm not a United Fan either." The reporter ask's "Well who do you support then??" "Liverpool" replies the boy. So the reporter starts again: "Scouse bastard kills family pet."....:o)

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read: Lose weight Only $1.00 a pound Call (202) 555-0238 The man decided to give it a try and called the number.

A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" The man responded, "Ten pounds. “The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" to which the somewhat less overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds." "Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.

"At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! "This is fantastic!" he thought to himself.

Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That’s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here’s my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you, I am going to have you."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The bartender says "Sorry you can't bring that monkey in here". The guy says, "Please, he is a well mannered monkey, I promise. The bartender hesitates for a minute and then decides to let the monkey stay, and tells the guy it’s OK. As soon as the guy lets the monkey down onto the bar, he monkey jumps down, runs over to the pool table and grabs the cue ball then swallows it.

The bartender is shocked and says, "You told me he was going to be good!!!!" The guy says, "I'm sorry, I don't know what got into him. Look, I will give you a $20 bill and next week when the monkey "digests" the cue ball I will come back here and give it to you. Then you can give me back the $20 bill. OK???” The bartender agrees and the guy hands him the bill and then leaves with the monkey.

The next week the guy comes in with the monkey, passes the cue ball to the bartender. The bartender hands the guy the $20 bill. The guy lets the monkey down on the bar and the monkey runs over to the peanut bowl. He takes a peanut out of the bowl, stuffs it up his butt, takes it out and eats the peanut.

The bartender is watching this with total amazement and says, "WHAT THE HELL DID HE DO THAT FOR???"

The guy says, "Well ever since he shit out that cue ball he has been checking EVERYTHING for SIZE"....

A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike, the dealer asks if he would like some extra chrome protection added to the bill. The young man is upset because he does not have the extra money, and is now afraid that the chrome will rust as soon as it gets wet.

The dealer tells him not to worry. There is an old biker trick that will keep the chrome like new. All he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains and everything will be fine. The young man happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. He drives his new bike to her house, she is outside waiting for him. “No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

He sits down to dinner and it is just how she described it. The dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his girl in front of her family.

And no one says a word . . .

Next he decides to take a more direct approach, so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down.

And no one says a word . . .

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.

But still there is complete silence at the table.

By now he is getting very worried and is thinking what to do next when he hears a clap of thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his Vaseline.

Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams.... "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FRIGGING DISHES!!"

Jane entered the kitchen one morning, reached to turn on the light, and it didn't work. After replacing the bulb, still no light. When John, her husband, came home, she said "Honey, the light switch is broken. Could you fix it for me please? To which John replied while displaying proudly the front of his T-Shirt, "Do you see 'Electrician' written on the front of this shirt?" Jane said nothing.

Next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the cabinet door fell off today. Could you put it back on for me please?" To which John, of course, replied, "Do you see 'Carpenter' written anywhere on the front of this shirt?"

Next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the water pipe under the sink is leaking. Could you fix it for me please?" Right! John replied, "Do you see 'Plumber' written anywhere on the front of this shirt?"

Next day John came home and the light switch was working, the cabinet door had been replaced, and the pipe wasn't leaking. John said, "I see you found some good repairmen". To which Jane replied, "No, I just called the neighbor next door." John asked, "Oh really? And how much did he charge?"

Jane laughed and said, "He didn't charge anything. He said I could just bake him some "goodies" or we could trade it out in sex." To which, of course, John asked, "Well, what kind of "goodies" did you bake for him?"

And Jane said proudly while displaying the front of her shirt, "Honey, do you see 'Betty Crocker' written on here anywhere?"

A young lady walks into a pet store to buy a parrot. The guy behind the counter says that he only has one and that it's a real "smart-ass", with a vulgar vocabulary and rude temperament.

The lady says, "that’s OK I know how to handle a situation like that. It's such a lovely looking parrot that I want it anyhow."

So the lady gets the bird home puts it in her room, and starts to get ready for bed. Just as she gets her slacks off the parrot says: "AWK...AWK.. NICE LEGS BABY"

Well, this lady is not going to put up with this - so she takes the bird out of the cage and puts it in the freezer for 3 min.

While the parrots in the freezer, he becomes real sure that this was the wrong thing to say, and is making a large mental note about saying that again.

The next night, again the lady is getting ready for bed this time the parrot KNOWS not to say any thing about her legs, but after she removes her blouse, and then her bra... the parrot just can't resist any longer. "AWK...AWK...AWWK GREAT BOOBIES BABY - LETS SEE YA SHAKE UM".

This once again gets the lady upset and she decides that instead of 3 min in the freezer, she is going to keep the parrot in for 5 min.

WELL, the parrot has lots of time to think this time, and remorse gives way to desperation, and finally to anger so that the adrenaline will allow him to continue to live.

FINALLY the lady opens the freezer door take out the near frozen parrot and asks.. "Well, have you learned your lesson??"

The parrot still shivering and barely able to speak says... "awk... yea sure, BUT I JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION....."

The lady says... "Yes, just ask ?"

The parrot says "AWK... WHAT DID THE TURKEY DO, ASK FOR ORAL SEX????

A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.

The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No."

"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No."

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"

A ninety year old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty five year old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunch time she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love."

He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The senile old man answers, again through his tears....

"I forgot where I live."

A little old lady walked into the main branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the three million dollars that she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. But first, she said that she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the rather large amount of money involved. After looking into the bag and seeing bundles of $1,000.00 dollar bills which could have amounted to $3 million dollars, he called the president's office and saw to it that the old lady met with him.

The lady was escorted up stairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to know the people that she did business with on a more personal level. The president then asked her how she came into such a large amount of money "was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No," she replied. He was quiet for a minute trying to think where she could have come into the three million. "I bet" she stated. "You bet!" ,repeated the president. "As in horses"? "No," she replied, "I bet on people".

Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets different things with people. All of the sudden she said "I'll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 am tomorrow, your balls will be square". The bank president figured that she must be off of her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could loose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances after all there was $25,000.00 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure that everything was OK. There was no difference, he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00, humming as he went. He knew that this would be a good day, how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing?

At 10:00 am sharp, the little old lady was escorted into his office. With her was a younger man. When the president inquired as to the purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and that she always took him along when there was a large amount of money involved.

"Well", she asked, "what about our bet?"

"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I always have been, only $25,000.00 richer!" The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The president thought that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough everything was fine. The president then looked up and saw her lawyer banging his head against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" the president asked. "Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 this morning that I would have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls"!

Two women were in the veterinarians office. One had a Great Dane and the other had a Terrier. The woman with the Great Dane asked the woman with the Terrier what was wrong with her dog. The woman with the Terrier said that he was just so horny and humping everyone's leg so much she decided to have him neutered. The woman with the Dane said she had the same problem. The woman with the Terrier asked her if she was going to have the Dane neutered, too. She said, "No, I'm just going to have his nails clipped."

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to", she whispered, "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue" she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the "statue". Not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here" he said to the 'statue' "Eat this." I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

There was a typical blond. She had long, blond hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blond jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.

"That's a nice flock of sheep," she said. "Well thank you," said the herder. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman. "Okay" replied the herder. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" asked the woman. "Sure" said the sheep herder.

So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow" said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then, the herder said "Okay, now I have a proposition for you". "What is it?" Queried the woman. "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

There was a priest who had a young intern working with him. Because this priest was living in such a big house, he had a housekeeper. One day the priest had the intern over for supper. The young guy noticed that the housekeeper was very sexy and wondered if there was something going on. A couple of days later, the housekeeper approached the priest and said she couldn't say for sure but she thought that the intern had stolen the gravy ladle. The priest decided to write the intern and he said, "I can't say that you stole my silver gravy ladle and I can't say that you didn't but that fact is that it has been missing since you were here!" The intern replied, "Well, I can't say that you are sleeping with your maid but I can't say that you aren't, but that fact is that if you slept in your own bed, you'd find the ladle!!"

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Two friends went out golfing and their tee shots were horrible. One guy hit it way left, the other way right. They decided that the shots were so bad that they'd just meet up at the hole. So the first guy looks and looks and finally finds his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful buttercups. So he promptly pulls out his 7 iron and starts whacking away.

Buttercups are flying everywhere but the ball won't come out. Well, finally Mother Nature gets mad. She comes up from the ground and said to the man "I've created this beautiful field of buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I'm going to have to punish you. Since these are buttercups your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year." Well the man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the buttercups. Mother Nature said "Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny?" The man looked up and said "My buddy is over on the other side in the pussywillows."

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A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge).
Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell.
Man: That's not so bad, whatcha got?
Devil: Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the situation and then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity.
Man: OK.

The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.
Man: Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next.

The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors.
Man: That looks worse, got anything left?

The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in poop drinking coffee.
Man: Well, the poop smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. I'll take this one.
Devil: Are you sure this is the one you want?
Man: Absolutely!

The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says "All right, coffee break is over, back on your heads."

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Three rats are relaxing in a bar.After a few jugs,they start to talk about how tough they are. The first rat says,"When i woke up this morning there was a matchbox full ov RAT-O- KILL outside my hole.I ate the lot and didn't feel a thing." After a significant pause and a few more glasses,the second rat chips in,"When i got up this morning there was a massive rat trap with an enormous piece ov prime cheese for bait. I stepped in,caught the bar on my back,ate the cheese and slipped out without a bruise." At this the third rat gets up and heads for the door."Where are you going ??" asked the two other rats. "Aw,I'm bored here.Think i'll go home and fuck the cat again..."......:o)

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Got any jokes you want putting on....send um here....
mark-p@hiz-house.nwnet.co.uk

Copyright © 1997 Got any jokes you want putting on....send um here....
This Home Page was created by WebEdit,Wednesday, July 09, 1997
Most recent revision Wednesday, July 09, 1997